Note 01
9th September, 2025
Sometimes the only thing I can think about is killing myself. Not because I want to. I just don’t know how to handle my feelings anymore. It’s a lie when I say I don’t want to drink or do drugs again. It’s a lie when I say I don’t want to cut my wrist open again and it’s a lie, when I tell you, I‘ll drive home safe. I often do not. Not because it’s fun. It’s often just a feeling of retaining control about something I am able to control.
I‘m not here to complain about my childhood or about the things I‘ve been through. I give a fuck about cancer, I give a fuck about my dad and I give a fuck about the man, who sexually assaulted me. Yeah, your heard right. A stranger touched me inappropriately as I was at the age of 16 years old. I don’t even know why I let him start. I guess such people just know who’s vulnerable. Why do I talk about it now? It’s just another piece of me no one knows about. Just another thing to cope with.
I just want to make sure, that you know, I‘ve struggled. I often think about the day my relatives find out about that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t want to make someone sad or maybe even angry about what I‘ve decided to do. I‘ve tried. I really did.
Sometimes I ask myself if it’s even worth anymore or if the internal pain is bigger than the gift of being alive. I mean it’s not just a phase. I have severe mental health problems. Problems I’ve got since I was born. It’s always present. It’s always hurting.
I did so much for everyone but for myself. I am sorry about that but I guess it was never a priority for me to take care for myself. I deeply regret that. September is suicide prevention month. This is another sign to look out for people you love. Give them a hug if you can. Be present. Listen.
By the way: today was the first day since years that I truly felt happy about my life. Now I feel terrible. That’s borderline shit.
I won’t kill myself tonight. Don’t worry please. It’s just a note from myself to myself. Posting this gives me the feeling of being heard. It’s hard to feel all that and have no one to talk to.